***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
