onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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