I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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