I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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