trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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