Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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