she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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