my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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