He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
