did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
