the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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