dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
