your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
