Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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