the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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