I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
