When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
