it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
