Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
