I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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