how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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