i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
