i just had sex bonerless
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
