When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can feel your judgement through the phone
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
