But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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