I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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