I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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