Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
