I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This toilet bowl is my home.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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