just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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