I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
