I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
