my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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