And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
