I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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