WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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