I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
