Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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