Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize