Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
