Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
