1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
