i barfeds in our rink
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
