It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
