How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
