Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
