you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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