when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
