Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
