i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
