why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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