I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
