Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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