got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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