He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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