I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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