Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
