And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
