dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize