You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize